the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
