Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
