between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
