We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
