Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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