i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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