I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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