So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
