I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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