If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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