At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
