Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He passed out mid-signature
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
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