Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
