Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
