I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
