Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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