i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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