My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
