you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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