p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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