I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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