If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Randomize
