The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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