Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
