Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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