Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
