His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
