I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Randomize
