you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Randomize
