her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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