yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
