My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Jerry, you need to find god
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
