im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
