When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
