even my farts smell like vagina
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
this just has baby written all over it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
