what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
