i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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