I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i permit you to call me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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