i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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