I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
