youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
