I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
