You smell like stripper and shame
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
