wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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