New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
