Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
