I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
