i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
farters have to be the big spoon...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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