I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
