Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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